Back in a Bit

Can’t resist a meme after all this time.

1. My uncle once: “stole” my nose, and the bastard still hasn’t returned it. Bastard.
2. Never in my life: have I worn a toga, and long may that continue.
3. When I was five: I first realised that adults lie about everything, all the time.
4. High school was: nowhere near as good as adulthood. Not by miles.
5. I will never forget: my science teacher at primary school. Only the other day I was wondering what happened to Mr… um… god, what was his name?
6. Once I met: a man while going to St. Ives, but completely neglected to enquire as to whether or not he was married. Another anecdote ruined.
7. There’s this girl I know: who owes me a pizza, and has done for over a year.
8. Once, at a bar: I made the most spectacular social faux-pas, but everyone was too drunk to remember.
9. By noon, I’m usually: on fire. Sometimes literally.
10. Last night: I saved a DJs life. It was about time someone redressed the balance.
11. If only I had: less stuff.
12. Next time I go to church: I’ll try not to ask too many difficult questions.
13. What worries me most: is that I’ve inherited my mother’s passion for hoarding.
14. When I turn my head left I see: a mixing desk.
15. When I turn my head right I see: another mixing desk. Sign of a sad bastard.
16. You know I’m lying when: I tell you it’s no trouble and that I’m sure it’ll clean up really easily.
17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: Betty Boo.
18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: the messenger.
19. By this time next year: my two-year plan will probably have become a three-year plan. Oh well.
20. A better name for me would be: cakeboy.
21. I have a hard time understanding: soap operas.
22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: try and get them to teach me something useful this time.
23. You know I like you if: I’m arguing with you. If I ever agree, may be the first sign that I just don’t care.
24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: you, probably. All of you.
25. Take my advice, never: use a high-brace when a low-brace will do, or you’ll wreck your shoulder good and proper.
26. My ideal breakfast is: already there when I wake.
27. A song I love but do not have is: a rare thing indeed.
28. If you visit my home town, I suggest you: do not feed the chavs.
29. Why won’t people: stop breeding.
30. If you spend a night at my house: you’ll be expected to grasp that my bathroom windowsill is for my clutter, not yours.
31. I’d stop my wedding for: the sake of the bride.
32. The world could do without: me tapping my left foot all the damn time.
33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: be the cockroach.
34. My favourite blonde(s) is/are: from Sweden.
35. Paper clips are more useful than: just about anything, if the task in hand is resetting a router or forcing open a CD drive. Or, indeed, clipping paper.
36. If I do anything well it’s: documented thoroughly, because you never know when you might need to use it in defence.
37. I can’t help but: I might know someone who can.
38. I usually cry: “watch out!” when I see someone stepping off the kerb without looking. Unless it’s someone I really don’t like, in which case I cry “cauliflower!” so that their corpse is stuck with a quizzical and/or confused expression. Works a charm.
39. My advice to my child/nephew/niece: is to question everything.
40. And by the way: I apologise for taking this less seriously than perhaps it deserved.