Back in a Bit

Although still firmly buried in ballroom dancing at 7pm, there’s not long until BBC One pulls out its other prime-time big-budget wild-card, another serial retelling of Robin Hood. This one’s actually not so bad, it’s just slightly depressing that they chose to commission the retelling of a story that’s been retold so many times before. I mean, even the likes of Mel Brooks has had a crack at this one… wasn’t there some other story they could have serialised? Has the Duke of Wellington been done? Anyway, more points for effort if not originality, and I suppose they should have some dalek-free drama on the books.

If you can stand another five minutes of BBC Porridge, then BBC Two returns with The Culture Show. Much to everyone’s surprise, this weekly magazine has been going for three years. It is clumsy, muddled and, at times, quite admirably pretentious, but charming and harmless, and a good example of what BBC Two could be really good at if it’d stick to its guns. However, you can tell when watching it that the powers-that-be are looking for any excuse to axe it - probably to be replaced by more Porridge - when what they should do is put it back up to an hour and frig the schedule so it starts on the hour.

Of course, at 7pm, we get another pair of BBC channels to complain about. BBC Three kicks off with some kind of ten-minute clip show, presumably to keep the schedules tidy. Similarly, BBC Four also kicks off with a ten-minute gap-filler. You do have to wonder about programming for the sake of the schedule rather than the viewer. But, with all gaps filled, they both launch into a standard evening. BBC Three starts with a couple of boring, disappointing staples: Spendaholics and The Real Hustle. It seems like whenever you turn to BBC Three, either one of these shows is on. Either that or god-awful, predictable, and stupidly-titled sitcom Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps. One day I might sit down and calculate what percentage of the channel’s output is made up of these three crappy shows - if it’s less than 25% I will be genuinely surprised.

BBC Four, meanwhile, which I think still believes itself to be a grown-up, white middle-class affair (kind of like Radio 4, but without the credibility) elects for drama, and continues to rerun its adaptation of Smiley’s People from 1982. On the plus side, it does have an impressive cast. However, it’s a 25-year-old television adaptation of a John le Carré book, so I rather suspect the only people who will be watching either remember it the first time round, or are obsessive about the book or its author. Shame.

Meanwhile, ITV1 has brought out the big guns, and it’s time for irritating, omnipotent talent show The X Factor. The nice thing about this is it keeps many thousands of people amused up and down the country for over an hour and a half, making it a perfect time to do a lap of the supermarket, or anything else you might want to get done without obstruction.

ITV2 goes with Nanny 911 which, from what I can make out, is the import of a show loosely based on one we exported. You know the kind of thing - look how fucked-up these toddlers are because the parents couldn’t run a bath let alone a stable and happy home… now let’s add this sternly-spoken and even more sternly-dressed nanny-figure to straighten things out at least until the cameras go away again. This has been done to death in recent years - I’m sure there’s at least one incarnation of this show per broadcaster as it is… so do we really need to import more? Well, who cares - everyone’s either watching The X Factor or is out doing unobstructed shopping by now anyway.

I have a feeling, although I’m going to have to go away and look this up, that ITV3 is supposed to be a designated vehicle for the recycling of ITV dramas. Either way, it’s doing a good job of it this evening, now embarking on a couple of hours’ worth of PD James. I can’t help noticing a distinct similarity between ITV3 and BBC Four - they both seem to serve the same purpose for their respective broadcasters. Of course, it can be nice to dust off the archives from time to time… but a whole channel? If I were a dead horse, I’d be in fear of a good hard flogging right about now.

ITV4 (I think) targets the male demographic so, being male, I should be interested. At 7pm they’ll be into Used Car Roadshow which will be followed by a quick schedule-tidying blast of movie reviews. This guy Jason Dawes, sorry, Used Car Expert Jason Dawes acquired his title by default, it seems, by being the only person in the country who cares particularly deeply about used cars. This became very apparent when he was sacked after a single series on Top Gear, the poor sod. The rest of us care about new cars, and classic cars, but I suspect Dawes is alone in caring deeply about the gap in-between.

Mind you, The ITV line-up is glorious next to Channel 4, which elects to bathe in its own bizarre game show success once more with a celebratory edition of the downright frightening Deal Or No Deal. Redemption must be close, surely. More 4 continues to fuck about with Relocation Relocation, and E4 just keeps on importing… Friends, so-close-to-funny Scrubs, fucking Smallville, etc. We shan’t be troubling any of them with our attention. The one saving grace is Film 4, which begins now to get its act together. Nothing ground-breaking, but Silver Streak is not a bad Seventies comedy.

The only thing different on any of the Fives at 7pm is that Five US progresses to crime drama Vanished, not that anyone would notice. Meanwhile the Top Gear reruns pause for a minute on Dave to allow for Equator, which was a fairly irritating but watchable travel show. Sky Three has a spin-off of their own popularist science show Brainiac (those poor dead horses), and Virgin 1 moves to That 70s Show. I shouldn’t be too critical of comparatively low-budget channels running repeated American imports, but I would be more inclined to watch if it wasn’t stuff I’d seen before. Five US, for example, is bringing in things I haven’t seen. Virgin 1, however, isn’t doing much to tempt me.