Back in a Bit

We’re fast-approaching prime-time, so we should begin to find things warming up a little across the board. Indeed, you can almost sense the budgets increasing as the clock swings past 6pm on a Saturday night, but it’s by no means a sudden leap.

On BBC One, we find popular recycled mish-mash Strictly Come Dancing. Now, we all know the BBC’s entertainment division (I assume there is such a thing) has always been strong, and, even though they insist through gritted teeth that they’re not interested in viewer ratings, they do a really remarkable job of getting lots of people to tune into whatever they’re doing all at the same time. More remarkable still is that they can do this even without having any new ideas. Now, I would rather be set on fire than watch this mindless codshit, but I doubt anyone involved in making the show will lose sleep. It’s loud and it’s brightly-coloured, so in many ways it’s ideal Saturday night television, and should be allowed to run at least until someone recalls another old show that can be dragged back into fashion. I’d like it to be Blockbusters, of course, but that was on the other side. Challenge Anneka, then?

I mentioned BBC Two’s awkward periods. Well, we find ourselves watching What The Papers Say - it’s been running for years and it fills a gap, but it, like Points Of View, could now be done much better. Radio or online are the better media here. However, worse is to come before the hour is out.

There must be a rule at the BBC - maybe it’s in the charter - about what to do when they run completely out of programming. Sending someone round to switch off all the masts must be hard work in the time given, so that’s generally frowned upon. The convention used to be to play the national anthem and then cut to Ceefax but, in recent times, the rule has been rewritten, to state that a beloved old sitcom must be played out over and over and over again until even those who originally loved the show want to tear out their eyes at its mention. If BBC One runs out, therefore, they put on ironically interminable sitcom Last Of The Summer Wine, and for BBC Two its Porridge. The advantage of this is that either channel can run out at any time, rather than just overnight and, amazingly, BBC Two runs out at just after half six on a Saturday night. I mean for fuck’s sake.

The ITVs also seem to be in a similar money-saving mode, as their big-budget dog and pony show is yet to start. ITV1 brings us Funniest Ever You’ve Been Framed. Seriously, they’ve qualified it as such. Now people do keep telling me that, with the addition of Harry Hill’s witty banter, it’s watchable. But I’m not going to give time out of my day to watch children falling into or out of paddling pools and kittens opening doors by themselves. The thing about cheap crap telly is, no matter how you hard you sell it to me, it’s still crap. Having said all that, though, this show often proves to be the one-eyed man in a blind world; taking the lion’s share of the viewing audience at this time.

ITV2 is recycling Streetmate, fronted by that chick who looks like that other chick. You know the one I mean - the one who co-presented that reality show and that celebrity game show who looks like that other one who co-presented that reality show on the other side… oh, and she did that celebrity game show too. Not the one doing Streetmate, the other one. Christ, there’s an army of them, and they’re indistinguishable from one another! At least Ant and Dec have the decency never to appear apart. Meanwhile, ITV3 treats us to reruns of The Two Ronnies, presumably to compete with BBC Porridge, and ITV4 goes with The World’s Most Daring Rescues. I feel like some of us could use one of those right about now.

What’s happening on the Fours? Well, Channel 4 is doing the news, and the other three are as we left them… E4 is settled into a run of repeated, recycled, imported crap (The Class was cancelled after one season… even from American TV), While More 4 is still Relocating (oh! If only), and Film 4 is still in The Jungle Book. Kind of makes you long for the singing monkey, doesn’t it. However, if there’s one channel that seems to be able to recover with time, it’s Film 4.

Five is still in the film, and Five Life is still Property Developing Abroad. Five US goes with legal drama Conviction, which is watchable but is another single-series ratings flop after being repeatedly beaten in the States by crime-fighting-by-algebra drama Numb3rs, which also turns up here on Five US from time to time.

Down in the mixed back, Dave is still happily churning out Top Gear repeats, Virgin 1 digs up the Fresh Prince of Bel Air (seriously - that thing with Will Smith loaded with class and race jokes that we watched as kids and didn’t understand), and Sky Three declares itself unwatchable by airing some kind of game show starring Carol Vorderman. Please.