Back in a Bit

What’s on at 10

I like to believe there should be two distinct and identifiable bands running right across the Saturday night schedule – one at about 7pm and another at 10. The first should be packed solid with so-called “family” entertainment: light, bright, non-offensive, multiple age-group programming, regardless of the genre. Game shows, comedies, dramas, talent and variety shows and general entertainment… whatever. At 7pm the TV should be dripping with the stuff.

At 10, the atmosphere is different because you can cut the kids out of the picture but, more importantly, it’s getting to that time of night where nothing is getting started. It’s generally not a time when you might grab a few minutes in front of the box before going off to do something else. No – I submit that if you’re watching at ten, it’s because you’ve gotten comfortable there and, frankly, good for you. However, this means it’s not a time for disposable telly — you demand something more engaging, something you can become involved in and care about. A good story, maybe a film or a drama, something gritty or something funny, but something you can relax into and which will entertain you.

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What’s on at 9

Casualty? Really? Well, fair enough – hospital dramas seem to go down well on BBC One. Not my thing at all, but for this and Holby City to run for so long and still be getting viewers, I can only assume it’s good at what it does. Always strikes me as cheesy nonsense to me, but then I suppose if you’re scripting a hospital drama and you put a couple of kids playing by a railway line, it’s hard to keep finding ways for them to hurt themselves. I would love there to be a single BBC medical dictionary, with the various afflictions already covered by either hospital drama crossed out, and the various writers frantically searching through for something interesting that hasn’t yet broken out on the ward.

More baffling still is the idea of taking a taking a successful and long-running panel show, and creating an extended version that runs the following day. Such is the case with Have I Got a Bit More News For You on BBC Two. I mean, fans of the show will watch it the first time round, but why would they watch it again for an added five to ten minutes? Maybe the hardened fans are now skipping the first airing just to watch the second, but why then would you create an airing show that pulls viewers away from another airing of the same show? I have tried to watch this extended repeat, but found myself watching a repeat, and little else.

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What’s on at 8

I think there are only very few people who don’t shuffle with embarrassment when the BBC attempts to wrap a game show around the lottery results. I mean they really are truly awful, but they’ve now become part of the furniture so I suppose we’ll be stuck with them until someone can think up a really good excuse to take the lottery results away from the BBC. It’ll have to be a really good excuse too, because truisms such as “that’s not the role of a public-service broadcaster” still, amazingly, don’t cut it. The BBC doesn’t care about ratings my arse.

At the same time, BBC Two almost makes a smart move, be repeating the most recent episode of Michael Palin’s New Europe, for anyone that might have missed it last week. Although in danger of BBC Two being simply BBC One +1 (week), I cannot criticise commissioning high-quality programming and then trumpeting it loudly. I think three repeats in rapid succession is entirely acceptable, for the benefit of those who occasionally step away from their television, or neglect to set the recording apparatus.

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What’s on at 7

Although still firmly buried in ballroom dancing at 7pm, there’s not long until BBC One pulls out its other prime-time big-budget wild-card, another serial retelling of Robin Hood. This one’s actually not so bad, it’s just slightly depressing that they chose to commission the retelling of a story that’s been retold so many times before. I mean, even the likes of Mel Brooks has had a crack at this one… wasn’t there some other story they could have serialised? Has the Duke of Wellington been done? Anyway, more points for effort if not originality, and I suppose they should have some dalek-free drama on the books.

If you can stand another five minutes of BBC Porridge, then BBC Two returns with The Culture Show. Much to everyone’s surprise, this weekly magazine has been going for three years. It is clumsy, muddled and, at times, quite admirably pretentious, but charming and harmless, and a good example of what BBC Two could be really good at if it’d stick to its guns. However, you can tell when watching it that the powers-that-be are looking for any excuse to axe it – probably to be replaced by more Porridge – when what they should do is put it back up to an hour and frig the schedule so it starts on the hour.

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What’s on at 6

We’re fast-approaching prime-time, so we should begin to find things warming up a little across the board. Indeed, you can almost sense the budgets increasing as the clock swings past 6pm on a Saturday night, but it’s by no means a sudden leap.

On BBC One, we find popular recycled mish-mash Strictly Come Dancing. Now, we all know the BBC’s entertainment division (I assume there is such a thing) has always been strong, and, even though they insist through gritted teeth that they’re not interested in viewer ratings, they do a really remarkable job of getting lots of people to tune into whatever they’re doing all at the same time. More remarkable still is that they can do this even without having any new ideas. Now, I would rather be set on fire than watch this mindless codshit, but I doubt anyone involved in making the show will lose sleep. It’s loud and it’s brightly-coloured, so in many ways it’s ideal Saturday night television, and should be allowed to run at least until someone recalls another old show that can be dragged back into fashion. I’d like it to be Blockbusters, of course, but that was on the other side. Challenge Anneka, then?

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What’s on at 5

It’s late on a Saturday afternoon so, as convention dictates, BBC One is summarising the football scores. It’s hard to know what to make of this. Many of us have fond memories of watching the scores rolling in at the end of the afternoon, but does this programme continue to be relevant? A lot of football, let alone other sport, is conducted at times other than Saturday afternoon, and there’s a whole channel dedicated to reporting sporting results in the form of Sky Sports News. Still, it’s live current affairs, and it’s still well-done, so that a couple of boxes ticked.

BBC Two, however, seems to have periods of not really knowing what it’s for – one such period is on a Saturday from about Midday round to the watershed. Occasionally Auntie is lucky enough to have more simultaneous sport than can be covered on a single channel, and Two gets the overflow… but today is no such day. It’s always been this way, of course, and maybe that’s why it has slipped from our concious attention. But every so often some bright young things are accidentally given licence to schedule and have a crack at beating back the afternoon’s scree of black-and-whites. Having seen Channel 4‘s apparent success with so-called “teen” programming, the bright young things have gone for an unashamedly similar approach mixing imported teen drama with a music show. Bless.

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Tonight from 5 on BIAB

For reasons which may become clear at a later point, let’s examine the state of the UK’s prime-time television. For the purposes of this examination, let’s concentrate on the mainstream, freely-available content (the kind you might receive using a digital set-top box from a location in the Midlands), on a randomly-selected evening – which just happens to be this evening. We’ll take hourly slices through the schedule to get a feel for what’s on, and we’ll do this in something like real-time.