Back in a Bit

1. Put your bad habits to a good use. When in the smoking carriage, be sure to smoke an awful lot. This will guarantee that nobody sits anywhere near you, and you earn yourself some much-contested legroom. For non-smokers, overly loud snoring can have the same result, but is arguably better for you. The snoring thing works even better if you apparently wake suddenly shouting “WHERE ARE WE?!”
2. Turn your mobile off, then shout loudly into it for as long as you can. Try and make up a conversation about something very personal to someone—like you’re giving marriage guidance or something. Failing that, recite some of Nick’s genital stories.
3. Try and put your luggage in the most inconvenient places. The gangway is always a favourite, but anywhere other than the luggage racks should suffice. If you’re carrying a large suitcase, make sure to place it on the seats opposite yours—positioned so that it occupies as many seats as possible.
4. When the guard comes to check your ticket, take ages to find it. And I mean ages. When they show signs of boredom, ask if they can come back to you in a while. Upon their return, begin your search all over again. The best ticket searches involve emptying the contents of your pockets and bags all over the place while huffing and puffing and swearing a lot.
5. Always bring inquisitive children. Practice with them beforehand, so that they are ready to ask as many questions as possible, in an inappropriately loud voice. Questions along the lines of “are we nearly there yet?” and “where are we?” can be reused every five to ten minutes and, for this reason, these are among the best to use.
6. If the weather is bad, open as many windows as possible, and as wide as possible. Ask people around you if they wouldn’t mind opening their windows too. If the weather is good, do the exact opposite. Then leave the carriage.
7. Complain about everything to people you don’t know. It doesn’t really matter what you complain about, just as long as you go on and on and on about it. Trains usually provide plenty of inspiration for this—you can announce how much cheaper and more reliable it would be if you were in charge. Also, use as much bad language as possible. The day in politics is always a good one—especially if you name-drop.
8. Read the biggest newspaper you can find. Be sure to occupy as much space as possible with it. Then, with every turn of the page, be sure to drop most of the paper all over the carriage. Then start tearing up the bits you’ve read.
9. Fidget relentlessly. This works best if the train is overcrowded, and you’re packed between two other people. Struggle to get comfortable for as long as you can stand, then start trying to get something out of all your pockets.
10. Look around you, and identify the first nine irritating things you see going on around you. Note them down and then publish them to your website from your PDA. This will go a long way towards maintaining your sanity, and dissipating your accumulated hatred and anger.

Thankfully, I have to go though this only once more. Ever.