The rules
Dave is planning a trip to London at some point this year, and I have offered my services as tour-guide. In addition, I have compiled a list of things of which all American tourists should be aware:
1. The English are very xenophobic. It is very important to be aware of this while in England, and you should also make a point not to confuse England with Britain. You should also make every effort to fit your stereotype.
2. Talk very loudly—especially to people you don’t know. Disregard every common courtesy and never apologise about anything.
3. Point out the biggest things you can find and go on and on about how small they are. Also, complain about how small the cars and roads are.
4. Use the f-word correctly. Always use it in every question: ’what the f*ck is that’ and ’how the f*ck are you’. However, never use ’f*cker’ or ’f*cking’ or any other elaboration of the word, as their use is permissible only by locals.
5. Make no attempt to fit in. Complain about everything. Make orders for food and drink as complicated and fussy as possible.
6. Never walk anywhere. Use the tube—even over the shortest distances. Try your hardest to get in people’s way, and always carry the largest map you can find.
7. Wear hideous shorts and bermuda shirts. Always carry an enormous camera around your neck and use it to invade people’s privacy.
8. Ask everyone directions to the British Museum. Nobody will know unless they are a Japanese tourist. When they don’t know, ask them if it’s anywhere near Bournemouth.
9. Throw dollar bills into every fountain, pond and lake.
10. When at the gates of Buckingham Palace, hand a police officer or royal guard a pen and pad and demand the queen’s autograph.